I was talking to a good friend at a party last night, and he asked me a very cool question. He asked, “What are your thoughts on the sexual issues between couples married twenty years”.
I answered this:
That is a complicated question as different relationships and situations have different issues. However, I have found a few common contributing factors:
- Couples married or together for a long period of time over 10 years, tend to grow apart. They get preoccupied in their separate lives of work, friends, kids and other things that don’t involve each other, and become too complacent in their relationship to remember to work on it. To keep the deep emotional bond that brings the passion into their sexual life, they need to keep it interesting. They forget how to do that.
- Couples fall into patterns of intimacy where they are meeting a basic physical need or fulfilling what they see as an obligation. They have forgotten how to have fun in their sexual relationship. They have forgotten what turns them on about each other. They have lost interest.
- After many years people change. They tend to grow in different ways and become different people than they were when they first met and married. If a couple does not recognize these changes as they are happening, and work together to help each other stay connected and in love, they wake up one day, and feel like they are living with a stranger. Sometimes, it really does feel like they have woken up from a long dream.
Change Obligatory Sex To Great Sex
Maintaining intimacy in a long-term relationship takes work. It just does not happen. There are many things a couple can do to put that sparkle and passion back into their life. “Are you Having Great Sex or Maintenance Sex?”, by Dr. Susan Campbell is a very helpful article on not only describing the difference between maintenance and great sex, but offers ideas on how couples can start connecting again. yourtango.com