Blog, Dating, Healing, Relationships

Choose Love Not Fear

A friend told me something very profound this morning. We were discussing relationships and she said, “Choose Love, Not Fear“. I am adopting that idea. Making it my own. You should too.

Too many people lose someone in their lives who could have been their special life person because of fear. So many allow their fear of disappointment, emotional pain, rejection, commitment, losing their independence, among other things, to drive their actions and feelings when it comes to relationships. When the initial excitement, exploration, and fun of the relationship have passed after the first few months, and real complicated life and emotions kick in, many people choose to run. Instead of digging in and working through the issues that arise and feeling deeper emotions, many people break off the relationship using excuses that they can’t give the other person what they need, don’t have time, or a plethora of other reasons.

Passion, desire, and caring for someone are easy. The hard part is allowing oneself to be vulnerable enough to love and be loved in a romantic and deeply emotional way. At the point some people start to feel deeper emotions, or are told by the person they are with they feel deeper emotions for them, they find a way to block their feelings and end up sabotaging their relationship in order to go back to the safety of not feeling those messy, complicated, scary, confusing and exciting feelings. Their actions are defined by their fears.

I know this well because for the last 9 years, after my divorce, I have subconsciously chosen men that were incapable of opening themselves up to love. Their walls had become so thick that the emotion was all on the surface. I know this because I did the same. They were safe for me.  I did not have to become vulnerable or open myself up to the pain of possibly being rejected. If I did not allow myself to open up completely on an emotional level, then I would never be hurt.

I now realize that is not what I want or need anymore. I am ready to find my “person”. I want to experience the vulnerability and the beauty of opening up my heart and being with someone who does the same. No more men who keep a wall up between myself and their emotions. I deserve more. So do you.

So be brave.  Love and respect yourself enough to do the hard thing and choose love, not fear. Let go of your fears and the things blocking you from allowing yourself to love and be loved. Take a chance on your guy. He might surprise you by taking a chance on you! If he doesn’t he was not the right person for you. However, how will you know if you don’t try? If he doesn’t return your feelings or doesn’t want the same things, you will know you are open and ready to love and to accept love when the right guy comes around.

Tips on choosing love not fear

  1. If you are hiding behind your fears and missing out on love, figure out what those fears are and how they are blocking you from accepting and giving love.
  2. Look at your patterns of behavior in your past relationships to determine what you are or not doing that causes a breakdown in the emotional connection. It takes two to connect emotionally. Ascertain if it is your patterns, his patterns, or both. Change those unhealthy patterns to healthy ones; so you can get a positive result.
  3. Decide what you really and truly want. If you want a true deep emotional connection and love,  a surface relationship without a deeper bond, or something in-between.
  4. If your guy expresses feelings for you and you feel the same but are too scared to let him know; take a chance and tell him how you feel. If he is taking the risk of being emotionally vulnerable with you, positive things can happen if you do the same.
  5. Tell your guy how you are feeling about him if it feels right to you. Be your authentic self. If he doesn’t return the feelings yet that doesn’t mean he won’t get there. It can bring up the needed conversations in the relationship to clarify confusion and uncertainty. If you really don’t like how he see’s the relationship or doesn’t get there, move on and find someone who deserves and welcomes your love.

As in any situation dealing with emotional issues, it can be helpful to seek professional therapeutic advice.

 

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1 Comment

  • Louise December 9, 2015 at 4:51 PM

    Well said. As always you’ve given me a lot to think about.
    Thanks Elyse

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